Actually, No: Rethinking the Rules of Leadership
By: Brittany Teepe
Myth #3: Being Liked Makes You a Weak Leader
Somewhere along the way, leadership picked up a strange reputation: if people like you, you must be doing something wrong.
Maybe you’re too nice. Too accommodating. Too interested in what other people think. A real leader, the theory goes, makes tough calls, holds people accountable, and isn’t particularly concerned with winning any popularity contests.
After all, you’re not there to make friends. You’re there to lead.
Actually, no.
Welcome to the third installment of Actually, No.: Rethinking the Rules of Leadership, where we’re questioning the familiar assumptions and unwritten rules that shape how we think about leadership. This week, we’re taking on the idea that being liked makes you a weak leader.
Because there’s a difference between trying to make everyone happy and building the kind of relationships that make people want to work with you. And confusing the two can create some pretty unnecessary problems.
Being Liked as a Leader Isn’t the Problem
Let’s clear something up: leadership isn’t a popularity contest. You don’t need everyone to agree with you, approve of every decision, or invite you to their weekend barbecue.
But that doesn’t mean being liked is a liability, either.
When people feel respected, valued, and comfortable around their leader, it can make a real difference in how they communicate, collaborate, and approach their work. They’re more likely to raise concerns, share ideas, ask questions, and speak up when something isn’t working.
In other words, being liked as a leader can be an advantage, not a weakness.
The trouble starts when leaders confuse being liked with being liked by everyone, all the time, no matter what. That’s when boundaries start to blur, difficult conversations get postponed, and accountability becomes negotiable.
Being a good leader doesn’t mean keeping everyone happy. It means building relationships strong enough to handle the moments when they’re not.
You Can Be Nice and Still Hold People Accountable
Some leaders seem to believe they have two options: be approachable and risk being taken advantage of, or be tough and make sure everyone knows who’s in charge.
Fortunately, those aren’t the only options. (Leadership would be a pretty miserable profession if they were.)
You can be kind without avoiding difficult conversations. You can listen to someone’s perspective without agreeing with it. You can care about an employee’s circumstances while still being clear about expectations.
Strong leadership isn’t about choosing between empathy and accountability. It’s about knowing how to use both.
Imagine an employee who consistently misses deadlines. One approach is to ignore the issue because you don’t want an uncomfortable conversation. Another is to call them out, make an example of them, and hope the message gets through.
Neither is particularly effective.
A stronger approach is to address the pattern directly, explain its impact, listen to what’s getting in the way, and establish clear expectations for improvement. The conversation may not be fun for either person, but it can still be respectful, productive, and fair.
The goal isn’t to make every conversation comfortable. It’s to make sure even the uncomfortable ones are handled well.
When Being Tough Becomes a Performance
We’ve all encountered the leader who seems determined to prove they’re in charge. They have little patience for questions, treat disagreement as a challenge to their authority, and deliver feedback with all the warmth of an automated parking ticket.
Maybe they believe this makes them look decisive. Maybe they think being intimidating earns respect. Or maybe they’ve simply mistaken having the final word for being an effective leader.
Whatever the reason, intimidation and respect are not the same thing.
People may comply with a leader they fear, but compliance doesn’t necessarily mean trust, commitment, or genuine buy-in. Employees who worry about how their leader will react may stop sharing concerns, offering new ideas, or admitting when something goes wrong. On the surface, everything might look perfectly fine. Underneath, important conversations are going unspoken.
A leader doesn’t have to be everyone’s favorite person in the room. But if people are afraid to be honest with them, that’s not a sign of strength. It’s a problem worth paying attention to.
You don’t have to be the toughest person in the room to lead it well. Sometimes, the more effective move is being the person who can hear an uncomfortable truth without getting defensive.
Stop Chasing Approval. Start Building Trust.
Of course, the opposite problem exists, too. Some leaders become so focused on being liked that they struggle to make decisions that might disappoint someone.
They avoid giving constructive feedback, soften expectations until they mean very little, or say yes to requests they know they can’t accommodate. They might even change their position depending on who’s in the room.
It can feel like the friendlier approach in the moment, but it often creates more frustration in the long run. Employees are left guessing where the boundaries are, what the priorities really mean, and whether the rules apply equally to everyone.
And here’s the catch: trying to keep everyone happy can actually damage the relationships you’re trying to protect.
People need leaders who are consistent, honest, and willing to make decisions. They need to know that feedback isn’t personal, expectations aren’t arbitrary, and difficult issues won’t simply be swept under the rug.
Trust grows when people know what to expect from you, even when they don’t love every answer you give them.
So instead of asking, “Will everyone like this decision?” try asking, “Is this the right decision, and have I communicated it clearly and fairly?”
One question puts you in the business of managing reactions. The other helps you focus on leading.
What Strong Leaders Do Differently
Being an effective leader doesn’t require you to become tougher, colder, or less approachable. It requires you to get comfortable balancing the human side of leadership with the responsibility that comes with it.
That might look like:
- Giving honest feedback without making it personal. Address the behavior, explain the impact, and focus on what needs to change rather than making someone feel small.
- Setting boundaries without apologizing for having them. You can be flexible and understanding without making every expectation optional.
- Listening without needing to win every conversation. Being open to another perspective doesn’t weaken your position. It can help you make a better decision.
- Making unpopular decisions when they’re necessary. You won’t always get unanimous approval, and that’s not a requirement for doing your job well.
- Treating people with respect, even when you disagree. How you handle tension often says more about your leadership than how you behave when everything is going smoothly.
None of this requires you to abandon your personality or pretend to be someone you’re not. In fact, leaders who are comfortable enough to be approachable, admit mistakes, and have honest conversations often create more room for others to do the same.
You can be warm without being a pushover, direct without being dismissive, and confident without needing to prove you’re the boss every five minutes.
That’s not weak leadership. That’s leadership with range.